Are You In A Toxic Relationship? 10 Ways to Identify, Get out of and Avoid one.

Hello lovelies,

Okay now I know frequent blogging is not for me. period. I'm sitting here staring at my computer when I'm supposed to be researching on why Canada's pension plan isn't as great as that of the United States or whatever it is slavemasters professors ask students to do these days. A lot of things have happened to me over the past year that I haven't been blogging. I started a Youtube Channel! I know right can you believe it? Me that can't even keep a blog alive. lol. But its going pretty great and you guys should totally go check me out http://www.youtube.com/c/ZaraBeautè
oh well thats enough of shameless advertising. let's go back to the real reason I'm here. Yes Toxic Relationships. Those relationships that have run their course but you keep hanging on to for whatever reason. I recently got out of one so my experience is quite fresh. And I must say it was the worst experience ever. With the help of my bff google and my personal experiences, here are 10 ways to identify and get out of a toxic relationship.

WAYS TO KNOW IF YOU ARE IN A TOXIC RELATIONSHIP AND LEAVE!

1. You are always fighting and arguing. Over dumb shit.
Now now, I know arguing is a part of every relationship. I mean sometimes you might not agree with what your significant other has to say. And its cool. You guys are humans and as much as you guys love each other, you're significantly different and might have conflicting views. Except you guys are one of those weird couples that agree with everything the other person says/does. Which is just weird.  Some even go as far as to say that arguing or periodical misunderstandings are healthy for relationships because they strengthen the bond and understanding that the couple have after they have been resolved. and thats if they get resolved lol.  But then you have the toxic relationship. Where you argue over the dumbest shit. And where those arguments never get resolved.  And even if they do, they never get FULLY resolved therefore allowing ill feelings towards each other to foster. These are the worst.. it seems like everything is alright after wards but in another misunderstanding, the previous shenanigan gets called up. Then you know they never really forgot or forgave your bullshit honey.

2. You can think of more reasons why you shouldn't be in the relationship than why you should stay.
This is a clear sign by the gawds to GET THE F*** OUT!! no one deserves to be miserable if they can help it. seriously. this was my life. i'd sit down and imagine myself with anybody and i mean anybody else but the person i was with. i found myself looking for a way out every time. waiting for someone to save me. it felt like my life force was being slowly drained out. Every time I wasn't with him was a time without misery and pain. I'd deceive myself into thinking I missed him and would force myself to want him. Then when he came to visit me , it was back to square one. I was reminded of why I shouldn't be with him. We just didn't fit. We were like water and oil, we could never mix. His ideologies were way different from mine. And he was literally the opposite of what I desired in a guy. I would get angry at whatever he said and doubted everything he said because they all sounded so dumb and stupid to me. I couldn't hide my emotions.  You're probably wondering  SO WHY TF DID YOU STAY IN THIS SHIT HOLE OF A RELATIONSHIP??? that leads me to my next point

3. You don't want to end it because you're considering how much you've invested into the relationship

Be it money, time, energy, effort,  pussy, whatever. Everyone has invested into a relationship especially long term ones. My relationship was nearly 19 months of pain and regrets. I was out of the courting and dating scene for a while so I wasn't ready to jump back in. Frankly, I was scared. That I would encounter worse. You know, the whole the devil you know... and all that. We broke up a record of 14 times during this tumultuous relationship and every time we'd get back deceiving ourselves that things would get better. But it did not. it never did. Of course it wasn't all tears and blood. Sometimes there were flowers and roses. But 20% good times can't make up for 80% horrific times. Trust me you're worth more than that honey. Do not consider the past when you're thinking about whats best for your future. Up AND LEAVE.

4. You're always stressed and miserable and in tears.

Then you go and complain to anyone with an ear about how miserable your relationship is till they start lying that they have bible study just to avoid you. NOT TODAY SATAN!! You better MOVE chile!! Ain't nobody meant to make you cry except soap operas, onions and your parents. Seriously. When girls tell me that a guy(s) are the reason for their misery and/or tears, I feel like giving them a big ole SPANKING. Who gave them the power over you ?Only you can do that. Not saying that I haven't cried over a guy before, I have. But it honestly never lasts more than a minute before I remind myself that I'm a strong black woman ( I hate that line by the way).  Once a person is the reason for your tears, you have handed that person the key to your emotions. In toxic relationships, you have allowed yourself to be believe that its okay and  your tears would somehow make things better. The answer is NO it won't. So dry your tears and stop wasting makeup over them. Work on being a stronger and better YOU!

5. You keep thinking things would get better 

It never does honey. 99% of the time. Its a roller coaster that will keep on going as long as you let it. The truth is, you guys aren't just meant for each other. You're too different, and although it looks like its working now, you know that it won't last. Another fight is bound to come up soon.
over
more
dumb
shit.
So find the peace within yourself to let them go and work on creating space for the right one for you to come in.

6. You accept/do things that you would normally not do. You are not Yourself. 
This is a big NO NO. This has led to many unfortunate events. A relationship is meant to be a two-way street of respect, love and understanding. If you see that you have begun to emulate your partners bad habits and attitudes, this is a sign that the relationship is toxic. You start doing the very things you promised not to do and even worse, start thinking that its okay. This is the reason why physically/mentally abusive relationships exist. Most girls/guys did not enter into those relationships thinking that it was cool to be abused. They grew into the idea. They think they deserve it. Some even think that they need to accept such maltreatment because thats the way their partner is and they need to let it out on someone. as per sacrificial lamb things. nah. Dear reader, if you're experiencing any of the above symptoms, please for your own sake, LEAVE! now! IT IS NOT WORTH IT!!!! You are special, you are wanted, you are beautiful and you deserve better. No matter What. If you just hold on and work on yourself and your self esteem, something beautiful will come your way. Trust me.

7. You don't have your space.

Okay IMO this is one of the worst kinds. I never went through this because i would have killed someone for sure. When they don't give you your space and always want to be with you 24/7, 365. Bruh. Always thinking about your significant other all the time is cute but actually being with them all the time is annoying and smothering. I personally have what I call "me-time" which is like 80% of my time every day. Whenever I'm not studying, or at school/work, I take time to reflect on my life and choices and do things to make me happy and relaxed. I can't imagine having someone with me during those times. I. Will. Absolutely. Freak. Out. If you're in one of those and you're like " Well thanks but no thanks Zara, I'm perfectly comfortable in my smothering and clingy relationship" Well honey, take it from me, if you guys aren't clones or aliens or bonnie and clyde, then y'all aren't gonna last. trust me. I'm not an agent of doom or whatever but being with each other every single waking second is EXTREMELY toxic to the relationship and creates room for enmity.  If you don't get tired and bored of each other,  one of you will kill the other. LOL just playin' but seriously tho. If the other person can't give you your space, talk to them about it in a calm way. Explain to them were you're coming from. The normal reaction  would be hurt and confusion and that's why you have to handle the issue delicately albeit firmly. However, let them know that you love them but you need your space. And if they just don't get it, LEAVE!

8. The Guilt Trip and Blame Game 
I personally suffered this in my toxic relationship. Whenever we had a problem, it was simply never his fault. He always found a way to blame it on me. Now I grew up in a home that made me HATE apportioning blame to others. I would rather focus on the solution than on the problem ya feel me? But nooooo. We had to know whose fault it was. And of course it was always my fault. Zara, the evil, stubborn, uncaring, bitch right? yup. And whenever I felt I had had enough and that was it, he started reminding me of the time when so and so happened and how he was there for me and whatever. Normally this won't get to me but because of how much i had invested in it, I actually started believing that I was the problem. This blinded me to all of his bullshit. Once they start reminding you of that time when.. whenever you want to leave, BLOCK YOUR DAMN EARS !

9. Passive- Aggressiveness, negative energy, jealousy and criticism.

Are all signs that your relationship is F*?! ed Up ! Nobody is perfect but seriously why should you be in a relationship where the person is constantly putting you down and where you always feel insecure and insufficient? oh yeah. Because you didn't realize that it was toxic. Now you know.  The jealousy could go both ways- a. they are jealous that your interacting with other people and b. they are jealous of YOU! the former is more common. They are scared that you're cheating on them or that the other person is interested in you or whatever. That is not really a sign of acidity in a relationship. However, obsessive, crazy and uncontrollable jealousy can be quite toxic and even dangerous. You don't want to wind up in someones basement for the rest of your life do you? hope not.  Trust is a VERY important aspect of a relationship and lack of it can ruin even the best "relationship goals" relationship out there. Also those ones that are never truly happy for your success or happiness can easily bring you down because they hold an important part in your life. Once the energy in the relationship has turned sour, It is a clear indication that you have to leave.

10. Indifference and Avoiding each other 
Okay homies this is the height. Time to go. Come on. Get up. You don't give a flying shit what they do/say anymore. Its just whatever. You're over it. But you're waiting for who will break the news first. It's so deep that you guys are even avoiding each other. Who needs Netflix and chill? Not with that one. It would probably turn into Netflix and Kill the way y'all are going (LOL. I got jokes eh?). This is a sign that one gotta go. It's not working out anymore. You guys either have to sit down and work through things or get the hell outta each other's lives. No jokes.



Okay I'm done for the night. This list is not exhaustive so feel free to share your thoughts in the comment section below. I hope this will be of help to someone out there. Remember you can always ask me questions, and since i get notifications for questions, you can be sure I won't answer it a year later.

Till we meet again,

Zara
xoxo

Quote of the day-
"Massa... I's free!! Free to live my life without a care in the world.."

Baby girl don't be naive

Hi world !!!!
It has nearly been a year since I last blogged, can you believe it??  I guess I suck at it right? Yeah thought so. So today I felt the need to really really REALLY blog about a topic that has been on my mind since I hit puberty , BOYS. yes boys.  Those species of the human race that we females (or at least most of us) are designed to perpetually lust after. We can't help it. That's just how we are. Adam and Eve, yin and yang and all of that stuff. It's natural. BUT there are some times when we tend to go a little bit overboard with our feelings and make some decisions we would never have made in our right senses, which unfortunately, most of us have lost. When I see girls on social networks pouring out their hearts about what they dream the perfect boyfriend looks like, acts like and talks like, I have an overwhelming feeling to drag them by the ear and give them a very very good spanking 😡😤. Yes, it's that serious. Now, I'm not the best at giving advice nor am I the most experienced relationship guru but over some time I have come to collect some valuable information that I'm sure will be of help to young girls riding in the roller coaster of hormones and emotions.

COULD THIS BE LOVE ??

Tweet: so I met this guy through a friend of a friend and we talked on the phone forever and two days later he came over to my place and we made out/had sex and we lay on the bed and talked about our fears and innermost thoughts. I think Im falling in love with him 😁

My response : sorry is this out of a twilight movie or something ? GIRL GROW UP!

I blame Hollywood, I really do. Y'all need to watch some Nigerian movies I swear you'll be wiser about love cos those niggas don't give a shit about all that fufu lame romantic shit. The only romance you be betting is going round a tree or feeding each other ice cream or something, it doesn't get better than that (lol sorry for going ghetto 😁) . It's just too sad that many girls base their relationships on Hollywood romance and what they see on TV. You know, the guy standing in the rain knocking on the girls door, the girl defying all reasoning and going with the guy to where the sky meets the earth, that perfect moment when your one true love kisses you and then you know that's where your heart is meant to be and bla bla and shit like that. Trust me I've read them all, from Stephanie Meyer to Daniele Steele and those oh-so-naughty Mills and Boons and Silhouette pages that we reveal only at night and in the secrecy of our bed covers. It's all nonsense. Every single one of them. And one of the things that I learnt from doing Grade 10 literature is that an aspect of fiction that can never happen in real life is Romance. IMO romance is simply an enactment of the way we think things were but aren't and might never be.  This is simply someone's ideas, dreams and passions put on paper.

So where is she going with this? You ask

Back to the tweet,

 Things that are wrong with it 
1. You can't talk on the phone for two days and let a guy into your bed, like TF? What happened to the 90 day rule from Think Like A Man? Y'all forget that too soon? He can't get the cookie without working for it honey. Like he just CYANT .
2. You can't be falling in love after two days and sex baby. This ain't Vegas. Get your head straight. He's probably just paying you back for the great sex you guys just had. I'm sure in his head he's like ' I listened to her moan, I might as well listen to her speak'. Love is way more than good convo and sex. It's deeper than that boo boo.
3. You met him through a friend of a friend. Nothing wrong with that but sweetie you were meant to do a freaking BACKGROUND CHECK on the guy. Yes it's that deep. This is a total stranger. You don't know anything about him. He might be having some baby mamas he hasn't paid any child support for, might be in a gang, might be a rapist/serial killer/ alien or worse might be carrying some STD's for crying out loud! Like seriously, two days ? Nah booboo, just nah.
4. Boys can say whatever you want to hear( heck some of them got lines for days) to get in your pants. They can be Leonardo DiCaprio, Brad Pitt, Channing Tatum, you name it! They'll play the part  just to have you. It's not their fault. They just want to explore and conquer. So that guy talking about inner most thoughts and feelings is trying to get to your innermost parts honey😉

There are a lot of things we need to clarify about relationships:

1. SEX is not the most important factor in a relationship, LOVE is. And some ignoramuses might say that sex is a way of showing you love someone. Well that's all HORSE shit. Because there is good sex and bad sex , beautiful girls and ugly girls, big dick and small dick but there is only one LOVE.  So ladies if you're in a relationship where a guy is demanding sex, you might want to think twice because if he gets the next best sex, your love struck ass is over and done with.

2. Some people misuse the word LOVE in some scenarios where they are not meant to be. Okay let's get this straight, there is no such thing as LOVE AT FIRST SIGHT okay?! Nada. Zilch. Zero. Mbanu.        You are simply attracted to that person or you lust after that person but you're not IN LOVE with that person okay ?  If you can take a bullet for that person the first day you met them then sure you're in love or simply crazy but if not, get over it. Great now that we got thAt  cleared up, we can move on.  I'm sure you're saying ' okay smarty pants what is love then ? 😒' well to be very honest I didnt much believe in love till I read 1 Corinthians 13:4-8 which  says ' love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It is not rude, it is not self seeking, it is not easily angered , it  keeps no record of wrongs. Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. It always
protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres. Love never fails ...' (New International Version). Now I don't want to go all preachy on you guys but if you think about it all rather other versions of what Love is has been tainted by Romance and fictional events. This looks like the real deal doesn't it? 🙏🙏 . This explanation of Love made me realize that many if us have never experienced love. I know it feels like an awful lot to take in but that's actually what 'falling in love' is best explained as.  Sex is the child of love and not the other way around. I personally feel that sex should come way later. For me marriage is my insurance for sex just in case that nigga wants to pull a fast one 😉😉. So before you say those three letter words to him, think about it, is this how I feel ?


Oops , I've come to the end of todays post, stay tuned for part 2 of the 'baby girl don't be naive' series. Nollywood right ? I know !😝😂 . Toodles! Till next time lovelies

P.s: I promise it won't take  another year to finish this 😄

A picture is worth a thousand words. Agreed. But most pictures are worth more than that. The key to taking the right pictures is in the pose. The pose defines the picture.
Say "CHEESE!!" and the camera shutter clicks. That's a crucial moment right there. Some people are always camera ready while some frankly, are not. With so many people on Instagram these days, both the Picture takers and the stalkers,it's is important to know how to take the right pictures
I'll share with you some tips on how to take better pics and always be ready for the camera
1. Be Relaxed
Whenever u perceive a picture is about to be taken, always be relaxed. U don't want your not-so-pretty worried face to be caught on film.
2. Be Natural
 I know girls like to memorise their "picture faces" those faces they spend hours at the mirror making to get the perfect one for the next picture. It's cute at times but not in every occasion. Some occasions just require you look natural, forget all your worries, live for the moment and all that mushy stuff.
 you don't have to be plastic all the time.
3. Prunes and Prisms
Yes I know what I said if you're wondering. During the Victorian era, society suggested that women keep their mouths and lips in good form by saying the words "prunes" and "prisms ". So next time your not sure when a picture us about to be taken, and you don't want to be caught off guard repeat Prunes and prisms over again. This way even when your not ready for the picture, you will still end up looking if not nice, at least acceptable.
To Be Continued...

Summer, the beauty of it alone is breathtaking. Too bad we never get to enjoy it fully in Canada before the cold sets in again.